Mohammad Mokhber

SATIRE

By: Ebrahim Nabavi

From NAAM-NAAMEH (The Book of Names)

۱- Senior Vice President to Ebrahim Raisi — the newly “elected” President of the “Islamic Republic” of Iran.

 MAJOR RECENT ACHIEVEMENT: He has been the Executive Director of a company that produced Iran’s [“Islamic”] Corona vaccine, called “Barakat” [“God’s Bounty”], with the great achievement that a huge number of the Iranian people perished–also causing the importation of “foreign” Corona vaccine to increase !!!???           

 ۲- Former Head of “setaad-e ejraei-e farmaan-e emaam,” a so-called “revolutionary charity” (to help the poor in Iran–and the region) that has grown to become an economic and industrial mega-conglomerate, with 95 BILLION dollars in net worth, only lower that the wealth of the following huge corporations: Amazon, Microsoft, Tesla Motors, and Louis Vuitton; but since production in Iran is not profitable, this “charity” corporation has preferred to become filthy rich by confiscating the properties of [the Iranian] people, rather that building things such as machines and computers. 

۳- Mr. Mokhber Dezfooli, Iran’s Senior Vice President now, was the Head of this “charitable” mega-corporation (since 2007) for 14 long years, and succeeded in tripling his conglomerate’s net worth; sadly, however, inflation increased six-fold.  

۴- Mohammad Mokhber’s Previous (senior) Posts:

1. a) President of the Board of Directors of Sina Bank. However, unlike many heads of other Iranian Banks, Mr. Mokhber Dezfooli has not, as of now [and to the best of the public’s knowledge], transferred his wealth to Canada, and obviously not fled Iran, at least for the time being; 
2. b) Former Vice-Governor of the Khuzestan Province;
3. c) Former Vice-President of the Khuzestan Province’s Telecommunication Company;
4. d) Former Executive Director of the Telecommunication Company of the City of Dezful–his native town in Khuzestan Province.       

 ۵- Our dear Vice-President was born in Dezfool in 1955, from a Shi’a Muslim cleric father and a “pregnant mother” — per Hadi Khorsandi [Iran’s other legendary satirist–besides Ebrahim Nabavi himself]. In those awful years other calamities also happened in Dezful, such as floods and earthquakes.      

 ۶- Mr. Mokhber’s cleric father had been able to make thousands of people cry hard (through his public mourning sermons), describing the tragedies of Karbala for them at least 3,000 times–so he was able to purchase several houses through such pure religious devotion.  

 ۷- Iran’s newly appointed V.P. was able to obtain his high school diploma without any problems, and after receiving the diploma he studied electrical engineering, management, and international  law. And since these three disciplines were not related to one another, he began working in telecommunications, and [again not relatedly] for a while he had a responsible position in the transportation division of the Bonyad-e Mostazafan [Oppressed/Poor People’s Charity Foundation], and thus, was able to transport a great many oppressed people to way below the poverty line.  

۸- Mr. Mokhber Dezfooli has been black-listed, as sanctioned, by the European Union–and its Treasury Ministry; so the only honor he has not achieved [In Europe] is playing in the attackers line of Barcelona, the famed Spanish soccer club.

The Precious Books Authored by Iran’s sitting Senior Vice President

1. a) The World’s Top Economists — NOTE: There is not much difference between this book and the author’s phone book!
2. b) Legally Acceptable Excuses [that can] Exempt Offenders From due Punishment, Listed in the “Constitution” of the International Criminal Tribunal — NOTE: Persian translation of this book’s title: “By God, we ain’t crooks–done nothing wrong–let us go please.”
3. c) A Guide Book to Achieving Economic Development, With Justice — NOTE: The implementations of this book’s valuable guidelines caused Iran’s inflation to increase 8-fold!
4. d) Speedy Economic Growth in Iran — NOTE: This is a major work of science fiction!                                

 

Highly Cherished Quotations by the Esteemed Senior Vice President of Iran:

1. a) The price of everything will become very cheap, soon!
2. b) In this very first week, since our [President Raisi] administration has assumed power, we have solved all of our country’s economic problems; hence our dear people should not worry!
3. c) Let me give this good news: Negotiations with the U.S. will not achieve anything–so sanctions will not be removed.
4. d) We have negotiated with all the cows in Iran, in order to resolve milk and dairy problems.

 Translation from the original article, in Persian, by: Moji Agha (Mojtaba Aghamohammadi)