Alireza Panahian


By: Ebrahim Nabavi

From NAAM-NAAMEH (The Book of Names)

An Iranian Shi’a [Islamic sect] cleric; Head of the Supreme Leader’s think tanks in [various] centers of higher
education in Iran; Main Duty: Prevention of scientific development [and advancement] of universities; Founder and Vice President of the Ammarioon Barracks/Base (founded in 2010); The Base’s main figures–about 70–still hold on to the belief that humans came out of caves needlessly, so all Iranians should return [as soon as possible] to the place from which primitive humans emerged.


Prominent Ammarioon leaders, such as Hamid Rasaei, Hassan Abbasi, Hossein Allah-Karam, and others, don’t know the difference between “theorism” and terrorism; and [for example] one of them, who is among the 40 main disciples of [the now late, extremely reactionary] Ayatollah Mesbah-Yazdi, recently said that his main goal is to “deepen the divine-seeing abilities of the Iranian society, so as to actualize the noble intentions of the Esteemed Supreme Leader,” hence (in other words) transform today’s humans back to the Neanderthals. In 2011 this same Ammarioon leader demanded the execution of Mir-Hossein Mousavi and Mehdi Karrubi [the still under house arrest leaders of Iran’s Green Movement—that resulted from the 2009 electoral coup], and [said that] he tries to realize his Master’s dream of completely destroying Iran.


Alireza Panahian was born in 1963, most likely from one [modern human] father and mother. His father was among the Shi’a clerics of Tehran, and has no other criminal record. He is among the very few persons who deliver speeches in the Supreme Leader’s official audiences, rather than reading poetry that glorifies him. During the Presidency of Ahmadinejad, Panahian was appointed as a High Trustee of the Art University, because [his friend] Masoud Dehnamaki, who was similarly appointed, had made a few [revolutionary] movies. [To justify his appointment], Panahian said: “When I was a kid I drew, using my own very hands, happy faces on several occasions.”


  1. Panahian owns [despite his claims of austere poverty] a very large house in Saadat-Abad [a wealthy suburb of Tehran], about which he has provided the following justification: “I only have a unit in that property, and even that is a gift from friends; like Imam Khomeini [Founder of the Islamic Republic] who lived off of gifts, and like the Esteemed Supreme Leader who [also] lives a gifted (from friends) life, I too live like that. I have never been pursuing money; if I were to disclose the [sad] details of my life, people would [undoubtedly] begin collecting charitable donations [for me].” Following such revelations, a number of those who knew about his housing situation were evicted, and a number of others were convicted of various crimes.


Cherished Quotations by Mr. Panahian


Bill Gates has created the Corona Virus, so that with his vaccine he can then reduce the world’s population by 15 percent; Democracy is the [root] cause of the filthiest of immoralities; The titles [major themes] of our social/human sciences are in accordance with Zionist protocols; Women who don’t observe [strict] head and body cover cause sexual impotence and increase divorces; Population control [family planning] is not consistent with Quranic teachings; Do not allow democracy to be taught; Sometimes [our radio and TV’s] children programs show [the sin of] dancing; [Our] youth should know that they are [recipients] of the [hidden] Imam Mahdi’s scholarships; Love is a global error and a Zionist plot; [Our] radio and TV should show severed heads more often; The [main] demand of the French people’s protests was the following: “We want to know who our fathers and mothers are.” Forbidding [legally restricting] marriage by those under 18 years of age is [the result of] not comprehending [the sacred message of] our religion.


Books Authored by Mr. Panahian


How to Perform Good Daily Prayers; The How of Good [Ramadan] Fasting; Power and Glory of Women in the [Blessed] Words of Imam Khomeini and the Supreme Leader–NOT a book of satire; O’ Dear God: When Will you Show Yourself to me? The Correct way of Using GPS to Locate the House of God in Mecca; “Let us not Muddy the Water” — i.e., The how of ruining Sohrab Sepehri’s famed poem; How Religious Rules Educate us, i.e., The [proven] method of turning our country’s ordinary youths into the enemies of Islam; Becoming Free of Hidden [inner] Arrogance–i.e., Guidelines for becoming free from the clutches of the Supreme Leader; An Analysis of the Views of Imam [Khomeini] on art and Media–i.e., How to punch cinema art in the mouth; God’s City–i.e., A guide for the pious folks who go to Las Vegas for the first time.

Translation from the original in Persian by: Moji Agha (Mojtaba Aghamohammadi)

درباره‌ی Ebrahim Nabavi

Ebrahim Nabavi
Ebrahim Nabavi is a prolific Iranian satirist, writer, diarist, and researcher.

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